Linda's Musings

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I found love in the emergency room of our local hospital

The day began like any other for me, hectic, as if I were running around in at least ten different directions and getting nothing done in the process. I could hear my mother calling my name and all I could do was mumble for her to wait one minute, just one minute, while I tried to catch my breath.

"Lynn, get up here, I can't find my dress. I told you last night I was going to wear my lavender dress to go shopping with Maude and now, I can't find it. Where did you put it?"

"In the dirty clothes hamper, Mom. Remember you spilled spaghetti sauce on it last night? Why don't you wear the yellow one? That looks good on you, makes you look at least five years younger."

"It does not. Why couldn't you wash my lavender dress so I could wear it today? It's not as if you have that much to do all day."

No, of course I don't. Just work, do the errands, come back here and take care of the house, listen to you complain, then try to correct homework before I fall asleep. You're right, Mom, it's not as if I have anything to do all day.

The thoughts formed in my head, but I knew I wouldn't say one of them aloud. It wasn't Mom's fault she was getting old and it wasn't her fault I was still single at thirty-five. Somehow, time had played tricks on both of us and passed us by before we could see it. Now, we were stuck with each other and sometimes I suppose we both got a bit irritable about the situation.

"I didn't have time yesterday because I had homework to correct. Besides, your yellow dress is much prettier. You can wear your pearl necklace with it. Better hurry, I have to be in earlier this morning."

"Why?"

"Mary asked me to take her class this morning. Before you say one word, I know you don't like her and that you think she takes advantage of me, but her youngest, Luke, is sick again. She's taking him to the new doctor, Dr. Jefferson I think she called him."

"The reason she's taking him there is that all the other doctors in town have told her there's nothing wrong with her son. Lynn, quit fussing, I'll wear the yellow dress. Your Dad used to tell me he liked me in yellow, said it reminded him of the fields of flowers behind the farm when he was young. You know, it doesn't hurt anymore when I remember bits and pieces of our lives together. Used to be, just one thought of him would make me cry."

My father had died the previous winter and Mom had taken his death very hard. She blamed herself because we had had to place him in a nursing home.

"I just know that broke his heart, Lynn. I should have been with him at the end."

Nothing I said could ease her sorrow, but today, she seemed more cheerful than she had been in some time. When I left for work, she waved good-bye and I thought how beautiful she looked standing in the doorway. For a minute, I thought of turning back and giving her one more hug. Later, I would ask myself if I knew something would go wrong that day.

Soon enough, I was caught up in the daily routine of teaching. Mary's class was not one of my favorites. She taught sixth grade math to kids who were totally uninterested in the subject. And she didn't seem to have much discipline with them, either.

"Billy Anderson, if I have to tell you one more time to pay attention, you'll be on your way to the principal's office for the rest of the morning. Susan, stop passing notes to Karen."

I don't know who was happier to hear the bell ring, the students or me. I headed for the teachers' lounge, hoping for a few minutes of peace and quiet. Instead, I found Stephanie Wilcox sitting in a chair drinking coffee. Stephanie was blonde, twenty-eight, cute, all the things I had wanted to be all my life. She also had a nice personality, and was friends with anyone who met her. She sent a sympathetic look my way.

"How did you make out with Mary's class, or should I even bother asking?"

I tried not to groan too loudly as I sank on the couch.

"You know, I can understand now why she has such a hard time finding babysitters for her kids. The woman does not know the meaning of the word discipline. I spent most of my time trying to bring order to the class. To be honest, I doubt I taught anyone in there much of anything this morning."

"Mary needs to please people. She's afraid to discipline her class because she thinks her pupils will hate her if she tries. It's sad in a way, because they come into my class knowing nothing about math. Well, Mary wouldn't listen to any advice we'd try to give her so she'll just have to learn on her own."

"I just hope she learns before the principal has a talk with her. Last time we had a meeting with him, he didn't seem too happy with her work."

Just then, Sarah Bradley, the school secretary, came in.

"There's a call for you, Lynn. Maude Johnson wants to talk to you, said it was urgent."

I hurried to the office, wondering what Maude wanted.

"Lynn, I'm at the hospital emergency room. Your mother wasn't feeling well and I brought her here. I hope I did the right thing, but she was so pale and her lips were beginning to turn blue. I was really scared, let me tell you, but Dr. Jefferson had me sit here and wait. He even had one of the nurses get me a cup of coffee. I didn't want to tell him I don't drink coffee, makes my nerves jumpy, you know, but Lynn, he's with your mother now and I think it would be a good idea if you came here as soon as you can. She really looked sick to me."

Without waiting to hear all of Maude's explanations, I turned to Sarah and told her I had to leave right away. I was pretty sure she had heard most of the conversation anyway, Maude spoke so loudly on the phone. As I hurried to my car, I heard Stephanie call out my name.

"Wait, Lynn, I'll go with you."

Taking my keys from my shaking hands, she pushed me into the passenger side of the car, slid behind the wheel and we were on our way to the hospital.

"Don't you have a class to teach?"

I hoped Stephanie couldn't hear how unfriendly my voice sounded.

"My mother died a few years ago. I know what it's like to get a phone call telling you to hurry to the emergency room. It's the last place you want to be alone. Sarah will get someone to take over my class. Here we are. Just go in and I'll find a place to park the car."

Maude was sitting near the nurses' desk when I walked in.

"Lynn, I'm so glad to see you. I hope I did the right thing in bringing your mother here. She didn't seem too happy about it, said quite a few nasty things to me."

I could see the tears begin to form in Maude's eyes. I knew how sharp my mother's tongue could be when she was afraid and I was sorry for her best friend. Putting my arms around her shoulders, I did my best to comfort her while my eyes roamed the room, hoping to find the doctor who was treating my mother. At that moment, a dark-haired man walked up to me.

"I'm Dr. Jefferson. Your mother had a heart attack. She's in Intensive Care right now. Sit down a minute, please. Mrs. Johnson, the nurse will take you to the cafeteria and you can have some lunch. You've been a lot of help to us and I do thank you."

Maude blushed and I was glad he had found the right words to soothe her feelings.

"Lynn, I'm not going to lie to you. Your mother's condition is serious. The next twenty-four hours will tell how things will turn out. Is there someone you can call to be with you?"

Stephanie was by my side even before he finished saying the words.

"I'll stay with her, Tim."

"Stephanie, I'm glad to see you. Look, there's a room not far from here where you could go to be more private. Lynn, is there family you'd like to notify?"

I couldn't keep the fear from my voice when I answered him.

"Is it that bad?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying. But you might want someone close to you to be with you while you wait for more results."

"No, there's no one, really. I don't have any brothers or sisters and Mom's family is too far away to call. I'll be fine, don't worry."

"Well, I'll come back later to check up on you and tell you if anything's changed."

Stephanie led me to a room with pastel walls and beautiful pictures on the walls. I remember thinking how quiet it was in there, as if the hospital had just disappeared when Stephanie closed the door.

"You know Dr. Jefferson?"

I didn't want to talk about my mother. If no one said anything, didn't mention her name, then she'd be fine.

"He took care of my mother when she was sick."

"He seems very young, doesn't he?"

"Tim's a great doctor, really cares about people. And before you ask, yes, we did go out, but I wouldn't make a good doctor's wife, don't like the hours they keep."

"I always wanted to look like you, blonde and cute. And I don't understand how you can be so cheerful all the time."

Then it hit me how my words must sound to her and I tried to find a way to take them back. But Stephanie smiled and patted my hand.

"Actually, I hate to look like this. I'm not always so cheerful but people seem to expect it from me, just like they expect me to be dumb. You can't imagine the surprised looks I get when I say something intelligent."

I started to laugh, but then, I saw Dr. Jefferson walk into the room. The look on his face told me something bad had happened. Stephanie came to sit next to me and took my hand in hers.

"Lynn, your mother has taken a turn for the worse. She's had another heart attack, more serious than the last one. If she has another during the night, the prognosis isn't good."

"What do you mean? Could she die?"

"That, or she could stay a vegetable for the rest of her life. What I need from you is to know if you want us to resuscitate her or just allow her to die."

"I can't make that kind of decision."

Suddenly, all I wanted to do was run out of the room, find my mother and take us as far from here as I could go. I felt two hands on my shoulders and looked into the kindest pair of brown eyes I had ever seen.

"Lynn, I can give you a bit of time to think about this, but you have to reach a decision soon. I know it's not easy and there's not much I can say that would help."

"Is she in pain right now?"

"No, she's not."

"Is there any hope things might turn out better than you think?"

"There's always hope, but I want you to know that the situation is serious. Would you like to see her?"

"No."

I got up and walked around the room, trying to make sense of all that was happening. No, I didn't want to see my mother. I wanted to remember her as I had last seen her that morning, standing in the doorway wearing her yellow dress. She had been so beautiful, that's the picture I wanted to keep of her.

"No, I don't want to see her tied to a lot of tubes. Will you stay with her?"

"Yes, I will and I'll bring you news when I have some."

Tim got up, came to me, and gently patted my hands. I could feel the warmth his touch left behind and suddenly, I knew I wasn't alone to face whatever the coming night would bring.

"Try to eat something and get some rest. Stephanie, are you going to stay with her?"

"For a little while longer, then I have to go. Sorry, Lynn, but I have a course at the college tonight and I can't miss it. But I will be back later."

"I'll be fine, Stephanie."

"Yes, she will be because I'll be here to check up on her from time to time."

I looked at Tim Jefferson and for the first time noticed his lovely smile and thick black hair. A flutter in the pit of my stomach surprised me. Could I be attracted to a man while I waited to hear whether my mother was going to live or die?

Then I heard her voice in my head, saying what she had told me so many times in the past.

"Lynn, if you feel something for a man, don't just sit there like a rock. Smile at him and let him know you're interested. After all, I won't always be there to take care of you and I'd like to know you'll have children and a home of your own when I'm gone."

Was my mother sending me this man because she knew she would be leaving me soon?

"I'll go check on some of my other patients, Lynn and I'll be back as soon as I can. Would you like one of the nurses to bring you something to eat?"

"Not right now. I'm not sure I could sallow anything."

"Okay, I'll leave you here a few minutes and be right back."

The room was quiet after Tim left. I wished I could call Tim back. Sitting down on the couch, I leafed through some magazines but couldn't see anything in its pages. Putting it down, I lay my head against the soft cushions and closed my eyes. Immediately, I was assaulted by memories. Mom and I working in her garden, mom and I going over patterns for my prom dress, mom and I sitting at the kitchen table after dad died, neither one of us knowing what to do next. What would I do without her? She was the person who knew me best in the whole world, my best friend. I could feel the tears begin to fall and I wiped them away angrily. No one was going to see me cry.

"That's your problem, Lynn. You never let anyone close to you. There is nothing wrong with needing someone to hold you in his arms and ease your pain. Baby, you're going to be so lonely if you go on this way and I don't want that for you. Open your heart and show it to other people. Don't always be afraid to be hurt. You miss out on so much in life that way."

When had she ever said something like that to me? Mom had never been a woman to show any kind of emotion so this didn't sound like something she would tell me. Yet, it had been her voice saying the words. I was sure of that.

"Lynn, wake up. I brought you some coffee and a chicken sandwich. You need to keep up your strength."

Tim Jefferson was standing before me holding a coffee cup and a sandwich. I straightened up on the couch and tried to put myself in order.

"You look fine. I don't have much news about your mother. She's still in a coma and Dr. Monroe, the chief cardiologist, says if she doesn't come out of it soon, the news isn't good."

Sitting in a chair in front of me, Tim took my hands in his and tried to offer me comfort. But this time, I was too cold to feel any heat coming from him. I started to shake. He sat besides me and took me in his arms.

"Do you offer this service to all your patients, Dr. Jefferson?"

"No, only the ones with blue eyes like yours."

"I'm really scared, you know. I don't know what I'll do if she dies."

"You'll grieve for her, then you'll pick up your life and keep going."

"That sounds cold and unfeeling."

"My mother had always wanted me to become a doctor. In my last year of medical school, she got with cancer. She told everyone she wasn't worried because her son the doctor would cure her. Well, her son the doctor couldn't cure her. Each day, I had to watch her get weaker and weaker while all I could do was stand by and do nothing. What good were all my studies when I couldn't even save someone I loved? The night she died, I wasn't with her. A sick child had come into the emergency room and I was taking care of him. When they told me she was dead, I looked down at this small human being that was still part of our world because of me and I understood why I was a doctor. My mother had left me that as her legacy. So I do grieve for her but I also go on because I see her in each patient who walks out of here cured because of me. You'll find a way to remember her that will allow you to go on with your life. I'll go see if they have any news."

When he left, I thought back to all the times Mom and I had read together. That's where my love of teaching had come from, those many nights we had sat side by side sharing stories and secrets. And I thought of all the questions she had answered for me. I'm sure they must have seemed endless to her but she always took the time to listen to me. Maybe that was the legacy that would help me go on with my life when she was gone.

Tim came back, and this time, there was another doctor with him.

"Lynn, this is Dr. Blackstone, the cardiologist. You have to listen closely to what he's going to tell you."

Suddenly, I was afraid. I wanted to be a little girl again and have my mother make everything better again. Tim must have sensed my distress. He came to stand by my side while Dr. Blackstone stood by the door, unsure of my reaction to his words.

"Lynn, I'm sorry, but your mother is brain dead at the moment. The machines attached to her are all that are keeping her alive. If you want, we can leave her on them and she can live for a while longer. But I have to tell you honestly that she will never regain consciousness. It would be better to take her off the machines and let her go peacefully. I'll leave Dr. Jefferson here with you so he can answer your questions. If you need me, I'll be at the nurses' desk."

He seemed to run out of the room. I wanted to call him back and tell him he was a liar, that my mother was much too strong to die, that he should make her ready and I would take her home where I could take good care of her. But looking at Tim's face, I knew Mom and I had come to the end of our time together.

"How can I do it, Tim? How can I take away what is keeping her alive?"

"She's already gone, Lynn. It's not fair to her to keep her here when her time is over."

"But what about me? I'm going to be here alone from now on."

"You are not alone, Lynn."

"Who do you see here right now who's going to share my life?"

"Me., if you give me a chance."

I wanted to be mad at him. That would break the ice I could feel forming around my heart. Instead, all I could do was let him hold me close in his arms while I cried for the mother who had already left me.

"Come with me."

"You don't have to be there, Lynn. I can tell Dr. Blackstone and he'll do it. I can come back here and tell you when it is all over."

"No, I want to be there with her when she leaves."

I tried not to look at all the machinery in Mom's room. Instead, I concentrated on her face, so familiar and yet so different now. Her eyes were closed and she seemed to be sleeping. Stepping up to her, I took her hand in mine and kissed her forehead.

"I'll miss you so much, Mom. There was still a lot we had to do together, but now you can watch me do them from heaven. I love you. I love you for this lifetime and beyond, Mom."

The machines were silent. I couldn't hear Mom's breathing anymore. Someone led me out of her room and I found myself kneeling in the chapel.

"Dear Lord, she's with you now. Take care of her. But I'm so scared. What am I supposed to do now? How could you leave me so alone?"

"But you're not alone, Lynn. I told you I'd be there for you."

I hadn't heard Tim come in and kneel besides me.

"You don't know me. How do you know you want to spend your life with me?"

"How does anyone know these things? Because your heart tells you its right and your soul tells you this is the person you are meant to be with the rest of your life."

And then I could hear Mom's laughter echoing in the tiny chapel.

"You were always the one who needed so many reassurances before she'd go down the slide at the playground. He's the man you're meant to be with for the rest of your life. Open your heart and let him in, child. Do you think I would put someone in your path who would hurt you?"

I looked into Tim's eyes and saw love shining for me in their depth. I gave him my hand and we walked out of the chapel together. Somewhere, I was sure Mom was smiling.

We are planning our wedding for June, the month Mom always said was made especially for brides. She's been gone a year now, but we still speak together every day and I thank her often for sending Tim to share my life.

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The rose/book used in the title graphic was done by Audrie of Celtic Mists